Words cannot describe what I felt that day. All around me emotions set off like uncoordinated fire works that hadn’t been secured in the ground properly.
*
*
*
It was 2007 and, like every year, my family was in Cape Town celebrating the Easter Holidays. And like all major holidays consumerism was at its best. That’s how I remember I had gotten a Lindt Easter bunny. I refused to eat it because it was so perfect but I loved just looking at it and thinking how delicate it actually was.
I was in my sister’s apartment and my parents had gone out for some reason or the other. Everything was going great until I walked into the T.V room and saw my sister sitting on the floor against the wall holding her head. Not thinking too much about it I went up to her to see if she was alright. Then I saw her face and noticed the horrified look it portrayed, and she was crying. I asked her what had happened to her, she didn’t hear me, I asked again, still nothing, I asked again, nothing… and then in a small murmur of a voice she gave me the answer. But it was no an answer I liked, not at all.
When you experience grief you react in a way that strange to you. I thought I would burst into tears on delivery of such news, but I didn’t, I couldn’t. I felt peculiar I wanted to cry because that would be normal but I couldn’t. Then like a flash flood I felt sick, and cold, and I felt like I was trembling but I was still.
This was the day my three month old cousin died due to a reaction to sulphur. Our holiday came to an abrupt stop like a car would in a head on collision but in our case there were no airbags. I felt guilty because I didn’t want to leave Cape Town and go home, home seemed so much colder. Home was reality and I didn’t want to face that.
I so desperately wanted it to be fake just some sick twisted joke. I believed it wasn’t for a while and at any moment someone would tell me the truth I so frantically willed to be right. But that was wishful thinking or possible temporary dementia due to grief.
The flight home was long and tiresome, but I couldn’t sleep even though I was terribly exhausted. I felt like heavy like all the fluid in my body was made up of lead.
When I got to the funeral home my life whirl pooled into an abyss of lament. My whole family had fallen into the abyss with me. The worst part was looking at the mother of the baby, my aunt, she looked vacant. She was merely 23, early to mother hood, but she didn’t look her age she looked haggard.
The weather on that day was perfectly grim, not raining just grey. It seemed to have sucked the entire colour out of the world. I felt as if I had been transported into an old movie, genre: horror.
I still couldn’t cry, and I so badly wanted to, it is not easy watching all the strong men and women in your family cry while you sit still unable to show emotion. I didn’t cry until days later. I felt in alone in my emotionless façade, alone surrounded by my blood, my family.
Its crazy how you can love someone you’ve only met five or six times in your life. It is engraved in our genetic make up that we develop an instant love and affection for babies. You cannot help but fall entirely with out a choice for them
I opened my suitcase that night and found my Lindt bunny, smashed into a million pieces, no longer perfect. Looking at the crushed bunny I could not feel sad nor could I feel the joy I once felt in preserving it.
Nadia Naidoo
Saturday, November 5, 2011
The Child within the woman
Every time the winds howls against my window pane
Every time the rain chills my air
When the pillow holds no welcome
reprieve
When the sun hides his face from earths daughter
Then to deaf heavens with upturned face
Then to the velvet star less night
The child within the Woman searching
The smiling eyes shielding fears she cant express
She leans on the boy nestling within Man
She knows she has a friend.
Every time the rain chills my air
When the pillow holds no welcome
reprieve
When the sun hides his face from earths daughter
Then to deaf heavens with upturned face
Then to the velvet star less night
The child within the Woman searching
The smiling eyes shielding fears she cant express
She leans on the boy nestling within Man
She knows she has a friend.
Xenophobia
Xenophobia equates to a lack of humanity
When we lack humanity, We have lost our soul.
A soul less person is difficult to imagine.
A soul less nation is unimaginably difficult to comprehend.
How does a nation forget its xenophobic acts?
Whether as victims or perpetrators.
And will not the universe conspire against that nation.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
Sometime it will come to pass
That past sins will be paid for.
We think too small
When we look for immediate gratification.
Surely if we waste a little time In reflection,
We could restructure our actions to keep us humane.
I wrote this during the second wave of xenophobic attacks that occurred in July 2010 in South Africa.
A wave of xenophobic mob attacks hit South Africa two years previously. More than 60 people were
killed and thousands displaced.
What was learnt during the first attack was that mobs and individuals
would escape prosecution, because no one was arrested and jailed for the attacks, thus two years later
further stirrings occured resulting in atrocious attacks by human beings on one another.
The world is filled with people who have migrated so It is my opinion that we are all living on borrowed soil.
When we lack humanity, We have lost our soul.
A soul less person is difficult to imagine.
A soul less nation is unimaginably difficult to comprehend.
How does a nation forget its xenophobic acts?
Whether as victims or perpetrators.
And will not the universe conspire against that nation.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
Sometime it will come to pass
That past sins will be paid for.
We think too small
When we look for immediate gratification.
Surely if we waste a little time In reflection,
We could restructure our actions to keep us humane.
I wrote this during the second wave of xenophobic attacks that occurred in July 2010 in South Africa.
A wave of xenophobic mob attacks hit South Africa two years previously. More than 60 people were
killed and thousands displaced.
What was learnt during the first attack was that mobs and individuals
would escape prosecution, because no one was arrested and jailed for the attacks, thus two years later
further stirrings occured resulting in atrocious attacks by human beings on one another.
The world is filled with people who have migrated so It is my opinion that we are all living on borrowed soil.
The yearning Abyss
The yearning abyss within her beating breast,
Finds solace in wandering dreams
I travel tough Velvet meadows
Through dusty trails
And treacherous mountainous Paths
The changing rays of sunlight create enthralling landscapes
to impress this Misguided traveler
But to behold the scene with the rosy glow of an
Enchanted embrace yields an enhanced appreciation of even mundane offerings.
For surely passion unbridled between Lovers creates a bolder
Array of hues!
Finds solace in wandering dreams
I travel tough Velvet meadows
Through dusty trails
And treacherous mountainous Paths
The changing rays of sunlight create enthralling landscapes
to impress this Misguided traveler
But to behold the scene with the rosy glow of an
Enchanted embrace yields an enhanced appreciation of even mundane offerings.
For surely passion unbridled between Lovers creates a bolder
Array of hues!
When I miss my Girls
When I miss my girls, I remember their younger days…..carefree, loved, spoilt, and unhindered by dogma and decree.
Each one destined for a path unique.
Intertwined lives through shared experiences, wildly separated by independent minds.
The one looking to lead and forge past any obstacle, unhindered by challenges;
The other constantly looking for understanding and meaning, asking questions only old souls question, many times over, through many lives ;the answers to which she will struggle and may never ever find …..
The last with ambition driven. Her need to level with her siblings years ahead evident always…Challenging them to stay ahead if they can……….
Each one moved by an unseen machine, forever and tirelessly wandering through time and space…
Did I do this???……..set the burning ambition early on ??? Sending them hurtling like comets towards a pre directed path????
Did I steer their attention away from the carefree, the attainable, that which could be grasped and held forever?
I look at their choices, and they look like they are scanning horizons that I will never behold.
Is it fair, that they seek for boundaries beyond without having got to yesterdays goal?
Have I passed on a gene, perhaps, a yearning of life’s quest for the furthest barrier and then another?
I see them look back now and again, and hope it is without regret and longing.
There is knowledge in the beginnings of things that inform our later actions, however we try we cannot change ourselves even with the errors of others as examples to guide us. Some lessons have to be processed through experience.
Some may be happier to drop their seeds at their feet, and forever shade their emerging offspring with protective branches; others create the seeds with the mutations which allow them to be carried by the wind to faraway places, never knowing if the winds of chance will take them to fertile ground…..in an extreme leap of faith that they would geminate and prosper in some unimagined haven.
We do then shape our children’s paths- whether by obvious intended ambition, or passively by the unseen gene, which directs and steers the course.
To my enigmatic children
Rhea, Tasmin, and Nadia, who occupy my thoughts constant frequency….which is as it should be……
Each one destined for a path unique.
Intertwined lives through shared experiences, wildly separated by independent minds.
The one looking to lead and forge past any obstacle, unhindered by challenges;
The other constantly looking for understanding and meaning, asking questions only old souls question, many times over, through many lives ;the answers to which she will struggle and may never ever find …..
The last with ambition driven. Her need to level with her siblings years ahead evident always…Challenging them to stay ahead if they can……….
Each one moved by an unseen machine, forever and tirelessly wandering through time and space…
Did I do this???……..set the burning ambition early on ??? Sending them hurtling like comets towards a pre directed path????
Did I steer their attention away from the carefree, the attainable, that which could be grasped and held forever?
I look at their choices, and they look like they are scanning horizons that I will never behold.
Is it fair, that they seek for boundaries beyond without having got to yesterdays goal?
Have I passed on a gene, perhaps, a yearning of life’s quest for the furthest barrier and then another?
I see them look back now and again, and hope it is without regret and longing.
There is knowledge in the beginnings of things that inform our later actions, however we try we cannot change ourselves even with the errors of others as examples to guide us. Some lessons have to be processed through experience.
Some may be happier to drop their seeds at their feet, and forever shade their emerging offspring with protective branches; others create the seeds with the mutations which allow them to be carried by the wind to faraway places, never knowing if the winds of chance will take them to fertile ground…..in an extreme leap of faith that they would geminate and prosper in some unimagined haven.
We do then shape our children’s paths- whether by obvious intended ambition, or passively by the unseen gene, which directs and steers the course.
To my enigmatic children
Rhea, Tasmin, and Nadia, who occupy my thoughts constant frequency….which is as it should be……
The Shaik Clan
I have two sisters , a brother and an amazing Mom! The Shaik women though, are a seriously crazy bunch. Well if you don’t believe me ……read on.
Like most matriarchal groups we share an uncommon bond and an enormous capacity to love each other unconditionally. We live in Durban, Pietermaritzburg, Gauteng and Greytown. Time and distance doesn’t seem to dampen the strength of our affection or deter from us keeping firmly in contact telepathically, or via bbm face book and the phone.
We have developed a reflective outlook on life that forces us to laugh at ourselves first before anyone one else gets the chance to do so. This enables us to
Enjoy the highs and lows that life has to offer with no regrets. We constantly attract our selves to situations where we are forced to examine our place in our
families, communities, country and the universe at large. It is not uncommon to find a Shaik woman, face upturned to the heavens, making an impassioned plea for direction because she has taken the road less described and found herself in unchartered terrain. Each dead ends forces her back to her roots and mom is always a phone call away to provide some words of wisdom, and a few hearty jokes later, the pathways reveal themselves where previously only tangled undergrowth crowded footpaths and made the journey impassible.
I endure relationship advice from the sisters only that I may execute the exact opposite to what they have decreed. I listen patiently to anecdotes they proffer and plot my strategy to avoid the pitfalls that that they have made. In this way I escape the calamities of mistakes they have made but in true Shaik style fly head long into brand new mistakes all the same.
The Shaik Curse. All Shaik women are followed by the Shaik curse and will never shake free from it with any intervention yet discovered. Curse one, when we walk into a room people notice us. Curse two, we love with every fiber within our hearts and our souls capacity to extend the emotion is enormous and grows with every heart beat spent. Curse three, our children are an extension of our souls and we put enormous pressure on ourselves to leave a legacy that will enable all their dreams to crash upon their lives like the waves that pound unceasingly on a sandy beach. Curse four, a shaik woman will never be caged, she is a wild creature and while boundaries will be seen they will never be obstacles for her.
Many people see the value in being able to walk into a room and immediately be noticed, for their looks or style of dressing or just the energy they walk in with, however Shaik women know that attention of this nature has the ability to create situations where significant others may take serious discomforts from.
While having the capacity to love is also a noble and beautiful trait in women, it seems that the ability to love too much is just as perilous as having no capacity to feel and demonstrate the emotion. When you love, you somehow expect some form of reciprocation so you can imagine that when you have the capacity to love without reserve you expect too a “wuthering Heights” response from the object of your admiration. A soul mate is what a Shaik woman needs and searches to find. The Heathcliff kind of passion for Cathy that burns beyond the grave that could be misconstrued for serial stalker is her secret ambition. Of course in the Shaik woman’s mind she would be the only one who would have the ability to tame the beast within the man and live happily ever after. Yes the contrast of danger and safety is her ultimate yearning and her mission never loses its focus.
Curse Three is her unshakable dedication to her offspring. The Shaik woman is an earthly creature. She is very in touch with her basic instincts, and procreation is just a natural order of things. Her responsibility to her child is seen in her ferocious protection of them. She never reneges on her responsibilities and she understands the role for social and community interaction. It takes a village to raise a child who is well rounded. Now that the world is a village her child is groomed for the village. Their minds are exposed to everything she can lay her hand and mind on. Very little is hidden, but she values their ability to think and from a young age they are primed to critically observe their world and debates, also seen as arguments could find frequency in her home. Her capacity to love means that physical displays of emotion and words of comfort and encouragement are in abundance, even though cat fights and painful jibes at poor judgments might be frequent.
Curse Four deals with the sense of being imprisoned. Walls, narrow mindedness, restrictions, lack of understanding will see a Shaik woman retreat into a cacoon she has spun for herself. She will bide her time and plan her escape. When she escapes it is like the unfolding of the wings of a butterfly. Where once she crawled on her belly and ate what she could reach, she now floats elegantly from beautiful flower to flower and selects where she would feed on the nectar within.
Will a Shaik woman ever find fulfillment with her inherent tendencies for the seemingly unattainable…or will she settle for a life in shadows, nestled with her cocoon waiting forever for the time to emerge reborn and completely evolved. The butterfly soft and gentle OR the fiery phoenix who allows itself to ignite in flames and from the ashes emerge as new time after time.
One thing is sure a Shaik woman will never take an easy well described path, and if she were given a choice she would certainly choose to be a Shaik woman time and time again.
Like most matriarchal groups we share an uncommon bond and an enormous capacity to love each other unconditionally. We live in Durban, Pietermaritzburg, Gauteng and Greytown. Time and distance doesn’t seem to dampen the strength of our affection or deter from us keeping firmly in contact telepathically, or via bbm face book and the phone.
We have developed a reflective outlook on life that forces us to laugh at ourselves first before anyone one else gets the chance to do so. This enables us to
Enjoy the highs and lows that life has to offer with no regrets. We constantly attract our selves to situations where we are forced to examine our place in our
families, communities, country and the universe at large. It is not uncommon to find a Shaik woman, face upturned to the heavens, making an impassioned plea for direction because she has taken the road less described and found herself in unchartered terrain. Each dead ends forces her back to her roots and mom is always a phone call away to provide some words of wisdom, and a few hearty jokes later, the pathways reveal themselves where previously only tangled undergrowth crowded footpaths and made the journey impassible.
I endure relationship advice from the sisters only that I may execute the exact opposite to what they have decreed. I listen patiently to anecdotes they proffer and plot my strategy to avoid the pitfalls that that they have made. In this way I escape the calamities of mistakes they have made but in true Shaik style fly head long into brand new mistakes all the same.
The Shaik Curse. All Shaik women are followed by the Shaik curse and will never shake free from it with any intervention yet discovered. Curse one, when we walk into a room people notice us. Curse two, we love with every fiber within our hearts and our souls capacity to extend the emotion is enormous and grows with every heart beat spent. Curse three, our children are an extension of our souls and we put enormous pressure on ourselves to leave a legacy that will enable all their dreams to crash upon their lives like the waves that pound unceasingly on a sandy beach. Curse four, a shaik woman will never be caged, she is a wild creature and while boundaries will be seen they will never be obstacles for her.
Many people see the value in being able to walk into a room and immediately be noticed, for their looks or style of dressing or just the energy they walk in with, however Shaik women know that attention of this nature has the ability to create situations where significant others may take serious discomforts from.
While having the capacity to love is also a noble and beautiful trait in women, it seems that the ability to love too much is just as perilous as having no capacity to feel and demonstrate the emotion. When you love, you somehow expect some form of reciprocation so you can imagine that when you have the capacity to love without reserve you expect too a “wuthering Heights” response from the object of your admiration. A soul mate is what a Shaik woman needs and searches to find. The Heathcliff kind of passion for Cathy that burns beyond the grave that could be misconstrued for serial stalker is her secret ambition. Of course in the Shaik woman’s mind she would be the only one who would have the ability to tame the beast within the man and live happily ever after. Yes the contrast of danger and safety is her ultimate yearning and her mission never loses its focus.
Curse Three is her unshakable dedication to her offspring. The Shaik woman is an earthly creature. She is very in touch with her basic instincts, and procreation is just a natural order of things. Her responsibility to her child is seen in her ferocious protection of them. She never reneges on her responsibilities and she understands the role for social and community interaction. It takes a village to raise a child who is well rounded. Now that the world is a village her child is groomed for the village. Their minds are exposed to everything she can lay her hand and mind on. Very little is hidden, but she values their ability to think and from a young age they are primed to critically observe their world and debates, also seen as arguments could find frequency in her home. Her capacity to love means that physical displays of emotion and words of comfort and encouragement are in abundance, even though cat fights and painful jibes at poor judgments might be frequent.
Curse Four deals with the sense of being imprisoned. Walls, narrow mindedness, restrictions, lack of understanding will see a Shaik woman retreat into a cacoon she has spun for herself. She will bide her time and plan her escape. When she escapes it is like the unfolding of the wings of a butterfly. Where once she crawled on her belly and ate what she could reach, she now floats elegantly from beautiful flower to flower and selects where she would feed on the nectar within.
Will a Shaik woman ever find fulfillment with her inherent tendencies for the seemingly unattainable…or will she settle for a life in shadows, nestled with her cocoon waiting forever for the time to emerge reborn and completely evolved. The butterfly soft and gentle OR the fiery phoenix who allows itself to ignite in flames and from the ashes emerge as new time after time.
One thing is sure a Shaik woman will never take an easy well described path, and if she were given a choice she would certainly choose to be a Shaik woman time and time again.
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